Hungry?

For the nuclear American family, the evening meal is an important family gathering. It is often the only time everyone is in the same room at the same time, and suburban mothers like to exaggerate its significance – dinner is served promptly at 6:30, and you will be seated with us, do you understand, young lady? Now while each evening meal is supposed to bring everyone together at one table, the busy lifestyle of today’s modern family can make that difficult. It has caused the traditional supper of several dishes in the middle of a dining table to faction into four categories: Conventional, Quick, Stovetop, and Guest.

Conventional Dinner: “Let’s-Sit-Down-And-Talk-About-Our-Day”

In my own mother’s perfect world, every dinner would be this first kind of dinner, the customary kind. This involves a prayer before breaking bread, someone setting the table and pouring beverages, and a main course that has over six ingredients. She calls through the house and my brother and I know that we had better hustle down to the kitchen or she’ll start to get irritated – not ideal. Once each platter has been passed around the table, families talk about their day – the highlights and dramas – and enjoy each other’s casual company. This is the stereotypical evening meal, where little Johnny feeds his broccoli to the pet under the table, and then plays with his food until he is excused. The conventional family dinner, while still in popular practice, has given way to these next types.

Quick Dinner: “I-Whipped-This-Together-In-Five-Minutes”

Quick Dinner is similar to Conventional Dinner, with two key differences: the cook is in a hurry, and the food is of a lesser quality. In suburbia, with parents chauffeuring children to soccer practice and choir rehearsals, there is little time in the day to slave over a stove top. Perhaps dinner is takeout from the Chinese place down the street, or made from a box with a smiling character on the front. Increasingly common, the made-in-a-jiffy dinner has a less tranquil aura. The cook is having a busy day, with no time to think, no time for herself. Her answers to dinnertime conversation are curt, and the rest of the family knows to keep quiet. Sometimes families even watch television together while they eat. This is the kind of dinner to get away with crudeness or impoliteness, because the mother is too distracted by life. But at least in Quick Dinner, everyone is still in the same room.

Stovetop Dinner: “I’ll-Just -Leave-It-Out-And--You-Eat-When-It-Pleases-You”

Stovetop dinners come weekly at my dad’s house. With seven people in the family, there is hardly ever a time where everyone is home. Instead, my stepmom prepares spaghetti or reheats yesterday’s leftovers and leaves them in a pot. The idea here is that you eat when you’re hungry, and there is no expectation to sit down with the family. If you aren’t particularly fond of leftover casserole, well, too bad. Feed yourself. Stovetop dinners skip the impractical gathering that other kinds of dinner require, and for that reason, they are a growing practice as families get busier and busier.

Guest Dinner: “Honey-We-Have-Company-So-Sit-Down-And-Behave-Yourself”

By far the most entertaining is Guest Dinner. Far worse than the ordinary one-hour preparation of Conventional Dinner, Guest Dinner tends to involve a list of necessary items that always gets longer, several trips to the grocery store, and at least three courses. Dessert is a sugary, showy confection pulled piping hot from the oven, or chilled from the refrigerator. But beyond the food, the dynamic of Guest Dinner is what sets it apart. The guest sits awkwardly at the head of the table while they are served spoonfuls of “specialty” dishes. The children kick each other underneath the table, testing the limits of their parents’ patience and giggle loudly when someone accidentally belches. Guest dinners are the easiest to spot because the mother’s face will be bright red in embarrassment, her lips barely moving as she prays to God for a painless next hour.

So there you have it. The four types of suburban nuclear family dinners: Conventional, Quick, Stovetop, and Guest. Each has its unique culinary menu, its own dynamic flair. Every family brings its own kinds of chaos to the table, but the important thing is everyone gets fed. Bon Appétit!