Treading Water

The older I get, the more I realize that adults lied when they said "you can be whatever you want when you grow up." Astronaut. Policeman. Dolphin Trainer. Candy tester. I won't ever be any of those things. I know it isn't true for most people my age, but it seems like everyone knows what path they're on, and they're fully prepared to run as fast as they can on it. Mentorships, internships, scholarships, so many 'ships' and I'm sinking. I haven't chosen a path yet. I'm dragging my feet in the dirt, I suppose, waiting until the last possible second before I have to decide.

Question 1: What should I be when I grow up?

I've got it narrowed down to realistic scenarios and impossible dreams and "what-if's" and "maybe-I'll-consider-it's" but it's hard to keep my head in the air, much less up in the clouds where I like to be. Perpetual state of treading water. Rhythm and even breathing, even strokes.

Question 2: Is treading water what you do when you don't know whether to sink or swim?

In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy the view. I'm trying to compile of list of things that make me stand out among my extremely talented bunch of pals. Sometimes my list is depressingly short and sad, like "teacher's pet, traumatized, victim." Other times its confident and more college-application-worthy, like "singer, volunteer, artist, writer, traveler, award-winner, student-elected leader."

Question 3: What am I known for?

So I'll keep on treading water for another few months before I have to finally face the fact that yes, I am going to college soon, and should probably think about applying and where and why and whatnot. Monday I scribbled a quick list of ten colleges I'll consider applying to. It was jarring. I didn't like it. Blistering under the sun, salt drying on my skin, trying to float atop the deep black water, here I am today.

Question 4: Sink or swim?